I sit here alone, wondering about the last one week. It has
been the most hurting week of my life. Tanya left me.7 days ago. We’ve had an
argument that night. She wanted to go in search of her father, who had left us
12 years ago. She was just 4 then. Maybe she has some good memories of him. I
don’t have any.
I think it was my fault. I should not have been so hard on
her. She is my life. When my alcoholic and non-committed husband left me, she
was the reason I lived. I tried to give her the best of everything. She turned
out to be fine. I am very proud of her.
I don't understand why but for the last couple of months, she has been probing me a
lot about her dad. She accused me of not trying to find him, or establish
contact with him. Yes, I did not try. I was hurt when he left, but I was also
relieved. Six years of yelling at each-other, always being at each-other’s
throats, made me insensitive towards him. And, I knew Tanya was better off
without him than coping with an insecure, unloving environment at home.
When I found out about Tanya’s departure, I looked
everywhere for her. I called and visited her friends, my relatives, her classmates;
everybody I thought had even a remote opportunity of hearing from her. But she
was nowhere to be found. I do not know when I ate, when I slept, when I woke
up, or perhaps I did not. I do not know what to do. I have never felt so
helpless before. Not even when I married at 20; when I had Tanya at 22, and
when he left me without a job, and with a child. All I wish for is her return.
I am losing the will to live. I feel I have lost Tanya forever.
Then, three days back, I saw the records of her
conversations with him. It’s then I understood what had changed. She had been
talking to him, that’s why she wanted to meet him. In my desperation, I even
wrote to him. I begged him to return my daughter to me. I offered him anything
in return. In response to my email, all he said was that Tanya had visited him
3 days back, but she went away.
That day, I wrote down all my feelings for her, from the
minute she was born to today. I opened my heart like never before and I sent
this to the magazines where I write monthly columns. I wrote, “Come back to me
Tanya.”
I hear the doorbell, and I rush to open it. It is Tanya. She
hugs me and says, “Mom, I am sorry. He is a jerk; he lied to me about his health
to entice me to visit him. And then, when I met him, he said he would let me live with him on the condition that I leave you forever! Mom, thanks
for asking me to come back; I was not sure if you would ever forgive me.”
All I can say is, “I love you darling.”
